a moment in time...

end of 2010 begining of 2011

2011-02-28T00:32:00.000-07:00

well what has gone on with me... alot. i had a hysterectomy in the beginning of december so far i feel so much better. during my recover and -when i was not entertaining my friends and roommates while i was on pain meds- i had tons of time to think and ponder about life. i was thinking several times "why haven't i done this sooner??? i think i figured it out, i don't think i was ready emotionally or mentally. that is a big thing, for sure no kids, that was a very hard pill to swallow but i did. and i am very glad i did. i am pain free and loving life...well i would be loving it more if jeans would feel better. i wear them but they sit right where it hurts. oh well life goes on. my roomies would laugh so hard at me, it was not fair as i did not know what i was doing. lol.

i have had a very hard year, probably the hardest in a very long time. it is weird how things all of sudden will affect you. i am very grateful for the love, kindness and understanding of family and friends. they are the world to me. i would not be here today had it not been for them. i love you and thank you. you all have had an impact on me one way or another, most will never even realize it, i try to express it, but sometimes i am unable to. one thing that always keeps me going is remembering that there is someone out there who is dealing with things worse than me. I know you may think...yea right. but really. my problems seem small to some one else...for instance, i have a roof over my head. there is some one out there who does not. or someone who may be worried about trying to keep food on the table and a roof over the heads of her and her children. So yes i have it a lot easier.

this year on the 23rd of feb was the 20 year mark since the murder of my mother. it was a very difficult day. my brother and sister in law tried very hard to keep me busy, it worked for a min. it even cause a tiff between my brother and i. i was just being sensitive and honestly it was bound to happen.

i have been sick pretty much the whole time i have been in washington, but really sick this past week. i hope i start feeling better soon. this weather really is not helping. but i am giving it an honest try. as my nephew said when i said why in the world did i move here.... as i looked outside as it rained and snowed, he said because you love us...i said that is the only reason! gotta love em! I know that they have blessed my life in the little time that i have been here, i love it. my neice is so cute and sweet. she has the biggest heart. tonight she came up to me and felt my head and said... oh ant- i put it that way because in all the cards that is how she puts it..so cute- oh ant, your hot, your sick. i told her yes honey that is why i have been sleeping so much. kids are great!!! now my nephew... typical teenager. and he is just like my brother. which bugs my bro, but oh well. but he laughs at the way we used to dance back in the day. maybe i should have him teach me how to dougie?? haa haa fat chance, i would break a hip.

anyway, more to come... i got a new computer and i love it. i gave my old one to the kids, they think they are in heaven.

i love facebook. i have been able to keep up on family stuff and re connect with old friends.

21 years ago today

2010-11-11T18:31:00.000-07:00

my wonderful sister and i were baptized. it was a wonderful day, she was so sweet to wait a yr to share the day with me. i love my sissy poo. i think i am in trouble when she see's the pics

this was not 21 yrs ago... but one that I could find that has both of us in it!

this was about 20 yrs ago

am i shocking you???

2010-11-11T18:22:00.000-07:00

its been just over a month since my last post. today is veterans day, i am so grateful for all the men in my life that have served or still serving. just a few icons and pictures that i like

Keep my brother Hayden safe in Afganistan

grams and hayden

grams and gramps

me and brother Robert

I saw this on a car

I love this!!

life...full of tests, trials and unexpected curve balls

2010-10-09T18:35:00.000-07:00

I have recently had some major curve balls thrown my way. On one hand I am thankful and on the other I have no idea what to think. It has brought me closer to some in my family. I know that I can lean on them, trust them. I have always held things in and it is not a good thing for me-- or anyone for that matter. I have not been at work since July 27th. During this time I have learned a lot about myself and those I love. I still have a ton to learn. But I am grateful to be here today. I am grateful for those who "saved" me and continue to do so on a daily basis. I love you all!

Bremerton Washington.....

2010-10-09T16:55:00.000-07:00

Bell's cake- day of her birthay

some of her babies she got

my favorite nephew bobby

giving bell kisses

the kids and the cousins

we were suppose to be giving kisses...she licked my face

cracking up after the face licking--- she does that to her father too

too much rain for me, and way to cold. I have been here visiting my brother Robert and his family. I have been able to be here since September 23rd, and will be here till October 18th. I love it, getting to spend some really good quality time with my niece Isabel and nephew Bobby and my sister in law Chencha. I made Bell's birthday cakes... one the day of her birthday and one for the party.

happy birthday

we have not been able to do much with all this rain but it has still been fun being here. They are having date night tonight.... will be fun I am with the kids- and the cousins!

wow time flies

2010-10-09T16:17:00.000-07:00

this is from awhile ago..... I found it in my drafts... well lets see..... heck where do i even begin. i have another cousin moving, sad about that, adam and mindi are moving to idaho. i guess that will add another place to visit, since i visit so many other places... haaa fat chance. maybe i will soon.

2010-10-06T19:00:00.000-07:00

So they say that the lord will not give you more than you can handle! But come on serious, how much does he think I can handle??? I am one person, with very little left that I can deal with. I am about to break. Why do people always tell you, you’re so strong, you will get thru anything? I should start competing in the strong man competitions. A person can only handle so much. I think daily, ok I should have an easy life from here on out, because really what more could I possibly be handed?? Ok more to come, have to go for now.

this is reposted, when I did it on my phone it was all weird and broken up

What a week, what a week...

2010-03-25T10:45:00.000-07:00

more like past few weeks.... My grams who is almost 80 had to call 911, her heart was beating very fast. She has not been able to sleep good for some time, she wakes up gasping for air. Sooo after many days, pokes and test. They said she is not getting enough oxygen to her brain while she sleeps. She now has oxygen that she uses while she sleeps, but she still wakes up very weak. She was in the hospital for a week, and I have been staying with her for the past week, helping out, making sure things are good. Millie will be there for the next week, she is an RN, so she will be in good hands. Still kinda scary..... someone asked me "what would you do if she died" I was taken back... did not know what to say--- I know those of you who know me are thinking- yeah right me not able to say anything! But really, what would I do, I would be sad for sure. But could you imagine the reunion! Grandpa, my mom, my uncle Rick, Sadie-- wow!!! I have been able to attend the temple with her on a regular basis, although have not for the past month, she is growing her gray out, so she has been wearing a wig. It looks soooo cute on her too, I think she should always wear it! Just my 2 cents (that's all I can afford with the economy the way it is...lol) So I was thinking last night, what if I am being prepared for something, not sure what to think about all this. But it is what it is, and it is not my plan. I am just very happy for the things I have, the life I get to live daily, and the time that I have with my loved ones and friends.

I work for a Home Health Care agency, I like it, it is very rewarding. I get to see our caregivers who are so very neat, they care so much about these people whom most are not even family. Why is that, a stranger can come into a home and care for someone like their own, but their own family won't take time out of their busy day to even go visit. I understand that everyone is busy, but really, how hard is it to go get an ice cream and go share it with someone. Anyway... don't wait people... don't wait! Time is short, and you never know what is going to happen. Don't live with any regrets, if you think of making that call do so, even if it is just a txt to tell someone you love that you love them and were thinking about them. Send that email, or a card... Who does not love getting mail, I love it!!!

I have a very dear friend who lost her brother this week, he was so young. He had a brain tumor, had the surgery- 2 of them in fact. Went into ICU and was on life support. I feel for her and her family, but more for her. She moved from Brazil to marry an amazing man,and into a very loving family. I can't imagine how she is feeling, being in another country, grieving and unable to go back. She is due in 3 weeks with their 2 baby girl.
I complain about someone being in another state.... not anymore.

Spring training is in the air.... I need to go to a game!!!! Maybe Saturday?? Conference is coming up, so if anyone has any tickets, I would love to be able to go. hint hint... :O)

is it friday yet??? Ok.. enough for now

what a week....

2010-02-21T20:55:00.000-07:00

this past week has been very interesting for me. I had my follow up with the dr aftter my surgery. I am good to go back to work tomorrow-ugh! Can't I be a trophy wife.... haa haa lol I had to go back down to the hosital to turn in some papers. since i had only been there twice in one week, my friend called and her daughter had a seizer at school so i went and sat with them at the hospital. she is fine- they did not find anything wrong with her. I guess it's good thing because i was going to go to the theater and fit in as many movies as i could handle. :O) I went to my aunts house and hung out with my family, it was nice to just sit and hang out. I love that I have the greatest family ever!! Saturday, I was not feeling very good, slept in. I think that I have over done it too much too fast. I went to see the barbershop chorus with my grams. it was fun, drove with her friends from the ward. We got there and i was in the land of white hair, and stinky perfume... haa haa but it was a GREAT show. As I sat there, I was reflecting on several times that I had gone to these things to see my grandpa sing, I miss him so much, but it was nice to go. I think I am going to try to go once a yr. I miss seeing my grandma weekly on our temple nights. She has been growing out the color on her, letting the grey come in. she has been wearing a wig, I really like it. Very cute cute. today was a very lazy day, i layed in bed until the very last min i had to get up to get ready for 2 church, I was so tired on my drive home. I am not sure how I am going to do tomorrow at work. this will be a very hard week for me, but I will make it. I am excited, Dave and Nicole come for a visit this weekend, so we are gonna do a temple session. I am so very proud of the both of them, a long rough road to where they have come to today. On the 13th they went thru the temple for the first time. They will be sealed in August in San Diego, I am very excited for that!!!

can you fit in a medium size luggage..... yes....

2010-02-17T00:06:00.000-07:00

why, because i don't have a gall bladder anymore. that was my response. I was trying convince my friend to take me to hawaii with him. hey he is an amazing guy, you would want to go too. lol so last week i left work early because i was sick, went back on tuesday feeling better, and then half way thru the day i ended up calling my uncle nick, and he sent my cousin adam to come pick me up and take me to the er. i was in soooo much pain. adam was a trooper and hung out with me as long as he could. since the er wait time is hardly ever under 5 hours!! i got there about 12:45 finally got taken back about 2:45 and sat behind a curtain for about an hour- at least I got to sleep- boy those two chairs were soo comfy! so then they hook me up to an iv. oh but did not like the lady who did my ultrasound, and she knew it. she felt so bad. then they were able to give pain meds...oh i like them now. but i had to sit there with everyone else... oh pain meds wore off... oh i love morphine now! my grams and uncle nick got there right before they took me to my room for the night. Alison was waiting for me at my room. my home teachers came and gave me a blessing- can i just say i love that we have a ward full of worthy priesthood holders that can be called on as needed. we had a slumber party, i am so lucky to have such an amazing friend like alison! she stayed all night with me, got me tooth paste, toothbrush, lotion and a magazine, and jammie pants since i came from work and was in a skirt. i promise alisons talk did not put me to sleep. the next day joe hung out with me too. my grams, uncle nick, and aunt cara got there right before i went into pre-op. waited in there forever. then they wheeled me around the corner and i remember nothing until they woke me up in recovery. then off to healing i was... i have been off work a week. feeling a little better, but as always trying to do too much too fast.

i am so lucky for friends and family that have helped me.

and so this is why all the updates on my blog. i have had the time to explore and look around....

this is what my arm looked like. i could not get a good one of my ouchies....

i love...

2010-02-16T22:39:00.000-07:00

I started this, and since my computer is so amazing...ha! yeah right.... found it in my drafts. sooo
With valentines just past... things I love

i love my savior
i love my sister thera
i love my brother robbie
i love my brother hayden
i love my nephew bobbie
i love my niece bella
i love my whole family
i love having great friends that love me
i love that all the above understand me and who i am and where i come from, and still love me because of it

i love that i will see my mother again
i love that i can do what i want when i want because of those who put or have put their lives on the line on a daily basis
i love those who have lost their lives to give us the freedoms that i have today, they are braver than i could ever be
i love pink
i love my quad
i love music
i love my camera
i love love
i love kisses
i love hugs
i love the trials in my life
i love those who have broken my heart
i love to cry
i love to attend the temple

and most of all i love my life- would not trade anyone

Oh how I love music and photography...

2010-02-16T22:29:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me knows a few of my favorite things... as i sing that... yup music...all kinds. but over the past year it has been better music, music that uplifts my spirits. a goal this year is to clean up my music that I have in my iphone. I also love photography- when I figure it out, I will get more pictures on here.

As i listen to different music most of it reminds me of so many things. I will be posting more and what they mean to me. lately I have been so touched by Hilary Weeks and her music. I have heard her music many times in the past, but as I read on Sadie's blog a few songs, they really touched me, so I busted out her cd- I know- right what are those.. I could have said 8 track- yes I remember them, stop. Loaded them on my iphone, and listened like crazy!

Growing up in foster homes has really been good and bad for me. I am who i am because of it. yeah i loved in crappy home- most very abusive- but I have learned by it. One to never be like that with my children when I have them. Two... i will go into all that later.

So this song brought tear to my eyes the very first time I heard it....

A Song To Sing: by Hilary Weeks

She laid there last night
And all she could do was cry
As she wondered who she was
As she thought about her life

The times she has failed
And things she has done
Surely Heaven must look down
And wonder who she’s become
Is there a reason why she’s here
Then in the silence she heard these words

You have a song to sing
You have a story to tell
And there is a destiny that only you can fulfill
Thought you are wondering
If you’ll put your trust in Me
I’ll give you a song to sing

Her eyes were closed
But she opened her heart
She had always believed
There was no part

For someone like her
With so far to go
But tonight that changed
And now she knows
For the first time in her life
She let go of the fear
So that she could hear

there were many sleepless nights that I laid in my bed crying, wondering what I would become. would i become what 'THEY' said i would or would not become?? i think that i have not become what 'THEY' said i would and would not. I started kindergarten in foster care, and remained in the "care" of the state until i was 15.

i am so thankful that i have been active in church again. Totally blessing my life. I have gone through the temple. I attend the mid-single ward out here. I have gone to a few of the conferences. Last yr I went to the one in Vegas, it was fun. I did not care for the dancing or parties, they were boring. The ride up and back was fun. The speakers were fabulous. i was able to listen to Liz Swindle, this is one of my favs from her

and Mark Mabry. They both were great. Mark is an amazing speaker, you really feel the spirit when he talks, he is an amazing photoghrapher, i love listening to how he came up with his work. I have had the oportunity to listen to him several time since. These are a few of my favs so far from him.

and this next one, you may not be able to see it here, but you can in the book. Look at the guys arms.... his goose bumps! Can you imagine being these 'actors' the spirit they felt. what an experience.

I am sooo smart....

2010-02-16T12:20:00.000-07:00

Haaa haaa, not really. but I did figure out how to change a few things on here. I added some video from Christmas in Utah. Its on the side some where??? Enjoy. So fun, Ok I thought that I could figure out how to change the back ground...nope, no such luck. oh well...

2009-12-22T12:23:00.001-07:00

Life is grand! I am here in Utah spending time with my family. Got to see Hayden earlier than expected. I have gotten to see aunts that I have not seen in years. Last night we had a huge FHE my cousins, their lil ones aunt and uncle and my bro Hayden. It was great. Hayden looks so good. He is doing great! I will figure out how to post pics and get them on here. I hope everyone has a great Christmas. Remember to tell those you love them. Hold them for a min longer you never know when it may be the last time!

2009-12-09T13:08:00.001-07:00

As I was in the temple yesterday I relize so much! How grateful I am to be able to spend his time each week with my grandmother, and if a wek goes by seems like forever. And the fact that I have had some amazing people come and go out of my life. I decide that I wanted to give letters my family members expresing my thoughts and feelings a month or so ago, but why not give them to others too?? I think I am going to do that. Why wait to tell some one how you feel after they die! Doesn't donthem a dang bit of good, so with that being said. I challenge every single person that reads my sillyness that I put on here to do so. Write one letter a day, or email. But just tell someone what an impact they have had on you! What do you have to loose?? But another day gone by and at that time it may be too late! Love you all... So please send me your emails... Your on my list!!!

2009-11-04T20:56:00.001-07:00

I am so truly blessed! I hear of all these people getting sick or disabilities or even diasters happening. And here I am have my health, may not be the best but much better than most. I live in safe area I can sleep at night without worrying about my safety. I have food, clean water, clothes, the love of my family. I love that they will share their thoughts and opinions with me and love no matter what choice I make. Most of you know some of my childhood and all that I have been thru, some may not. But I am starting to write a book about it, should I post any of it here or what? It's gonna be sad for some, I am gonna call them out, I have on a few already and nothing. They have no answer for the way they treated me. But really how do you think that child can be treated the way they are and not have some kind of feelings toward yu because of it?? Serious! Wow I totally went on many tangents! Sorry. But you also know how random I am to.... Oh look something shiney!

2009-10-23T10:37:00.001-07:00

I went to California this past weekend. Drove- why?? Sheesh what a long drive, worked all day then drove all night. I finally had to pull over about 12:30, right outside of Bakersfield and sleep. Got up about 4:30 and back on the road! Got to Sacramento about 8 met up with Jennifer, Vanessa and their cute little babies. Ok they are almost 2 but whatever. We ran errands had lunch painted nails all that girlie stuff. But so fun. I will post some pics of lunch later. Jen and I hung out for the rest of the night.
Friday I left to go visit with family in Clayton. I love being around family. It's so nice. Ok. So the real reason I went out was- I know if I don't tell ya then Cathe will get on here and tell. I had met someone over a month ago and we have been talking since and decided that it was time to meet so we did. And let me just say.... Amazing. Even better in person than I could have ever imagined! The weekend went well. So who knows what the future holds!

2009-10-23T08:32:00.001-07:00

I am so blessed! I was able to attend time out for woman with my grandmother, sister, Lisa on Friday and my grams and holly on Saturday. It was wonderful. I love the music and the messages that were given. The time that I got to spend with family and friends. I live that I know ever Wednesday I have a date with my grams to go to the temple, the fact that my friends know and know that I plan around that. Since I have moved back to Arizona I have met some amazing friends reconnected with some old friends- who doesn't love face book??

2009-10-22T14:54:00.001-07:00

Testing this from my phone. If it works maybe I will be better at adding to it!

sorry its a rant i know...

2009-08-16T19:15:00.002-07:00

I am wondering how you can miss someone so much that was in your life for such a short time. All while being the world to me and everything I ever wanted or needed! She should be here to take care of me. And people wonder why I have much anger towards him! sorry I am using this to rant, but it has been bothering me latley. I think that when we are sick we miss our parents the most, I know I do.

on a good note my brother Hayden is back from Korea, he is in Lousianna and hates it! Thera is doing awsome, so is my brother Robert.

I do have to say I am so thankful for foreverness.... and the choices that I have made that I will be with my family forever!

I have been doing good, enjoying this arizona heat!!! i think that i am a lizard, i love it. lots of choices that i need to make, i need to get my behind in gear and do it.

so one day...

2009-03-24T00:30:00.002-07:00

i will try to be better at this...what do you expect, perfection, i think not! yall know how i can be, just not on here, i guess. there is hope however. i have been at least thinking about updating it.

i still need to get more pictures on here. so stay tuned for that. wow, blogging and face booking...busy busy.

oh...i will say this, i have met some amazing friends this past year! i love them! more to come with that too.

i miss my little brother, i guess he feels that he can go to korea and not talk to us anymorem he is such a brat. i am sad..... oh well he will be back someday.

all totally random, but its what was there.

I am bored...

2009-01-23T22:28:00.001-07:00

I have been sick for the past few days and in fear of getting anyone sick i am stuck in my room! Yeah for me and tonsillitis...uggg...

help!!!

2009-01-23T22:25:00.002-07:00

there has got to be an easier way...for a lot of things, but this rant is for someone who knows how to add pictures to a post. I got them on there, but it only puts them at the top. I can move them. but is there a better way?? or do I have to continue to move them....????

Gratefull...

2008-11-28T01:21:00.003-07:00

Today was great! I had a wonderful time hanging out with most of the family!!

My Aunt and Uncle who live in Mesa hosted it, and did a major portion of the cooking. My Grandma Thera made the best wheat rolls. Yummy! Thera and Brian. Uncle Val, Aunt Cathe, and Cousin Lee from Northern Ca., Aunt Di from Utah, Cousins Lisa and Danie and their 4 legged kids from Vegas, Dave, Cole (and little peanut not here yet) and Sterling from Queen Creek., Dana, Kim (their little peanut due 5 days after Cole) Brian. Nick Nicholson, Lisa and Chris...Um I think that is it.

Anyway, tons of friends and family. We ate lots of food, watched football and launched water balloons. Nick was upset that the balloons did not pop when we caught them...so we saved them all and planned an attach after. Although it didn't work too well as he ran inside, we still threw the balloons at him as he stood behind the screen door. Thera broke Cara's wreath off the door...oopsies!

It was good times and as usual, I took a zillion pictures. Can't wait to see them on every ones Christmas cards this year!

I hope everyone had a great time being with their families.

I am very grateful for family and friends like you all!

Twilight...

2008-11-23T22:54:00.003-07:00

thanks to the cutest little sissy anyone can have I am starting to read the book. I just started the other day. I am going to try to finish it before Thanksgiving so I can go watch it with the family.

So far I like it, which is different for me since most of the books I read are not anything like this.

A wonderful weekend...

2008-11-23T22:23:00.003-07:00

This weekend was a good one! Friday I learned how to Waltz...ok the others learned, I tried to learn. I am very grateful for VERY patient guys. Thanks guys!!! Then we kicked it up a notch and danced to a bit of everything. I had a great time, there were just a few people there. Great cookies (yes I made them) I actually got in somewhat early too!

Since I moved out to Gilbert, with the greatest roommate ever.... I have invaded her house. When I moved back from California, I had gotten rid off all my furniture and other household stuff- So when I moved into Holly's house the room was empty and we put all my stuff in the hallway. Not just a hallway, but the main one right as you walk in the house. She was totally cool with it. Well I got all that cleaned up Saturday. It felt good to get it done. We had ward temple day and then potluck while we had tithing settlement. I had the best brownies ever- and found out that I would have to run for 4 hours to work them...I am so ok with that! That is how great they were!!! So for the second night in a row I got home totally early! I started reading my book and for some odd reason started cleaning up something and that started it! I was up till 3 am cleaning! And for those of you who know me know that when I get like that just get out of my way. So now we have a clean house!

Sunday I slept in...kinda. I got up way too early, but it was ok since I had gotten a great message from a friend. So I was fasting yesterday and again today...but not a 2 day one, I had to eat last night. So anyway, I am pondering some major decisions right now. I will write more about that later, after I figure out which way I want to go with it. We had 2 wonderful talks today on gratitude! And then Brother Harkey gave a lesson, he revisited a lesson from a few years ago "how's that working for you" It was about being single in the church, and was really good. I also had to walk around with scorpion guts on my shoe thanks to chalk. I had dinner over at my roomates sisters house, it was yummy!!!

hummm....

2008-11-23T22:17:00.002-07:00

Well I think that I am going to start posting with some older pictures and stuff. Since everyone is always wondering what we- myself, my sister and brother have been doing. Is that silly, not sure, but oh well. Oh my sister does have a blog...it is linked on the side...I am sure that you can figure it out. I am still trying to figure this all out myself.

Finally!!

2008-10-04T19:04:00.002-07:00

I remembered my password, so I will be updating it more!

I do have to say I am so blessed, I have an amazing family and friends! Today was General Conference, I had about 11 friends over to watch it....a few cute boys too. It is so great to have friends that believe the same things that I believe in, with the same moral standards. It was so quiet as we watched this morning, not sure if it was because we did not get to sleep until 4 this morning and up by 9am, with breakfast potluck stuff made. None of fell asleep, it was great! I love everyone in my life, they help keep me on track!

ok serious!!!

2008-07-15T00:35:00.002-07:00

I really need to figure this whole thing out, can someone tell me how to add others blogs to my page. jeepers, this is hard. I am gonna find some 5yr, they will know how to do it. lol

At least I figured out how to do the background, get used to it. May not be able to figure how to change it again.

sometimes I forget...

2008-07-13T21:32:00.002-07:00

I some times wonder if I should have a blog. I don't have children, or anything very exciting to write about. But I guess your here reading it. So I am either helping you mess around at work and not get your job done, or heping you waste time on the computer. Either way, I am glad your here.

But really, should I?? Go ahead give me your two cents...

Ok...so very big news, not mine, but my cousin Nicole is engaged!!! And no we did not have to pay him...lol I am very excited for her. They--Dave and Nicole are getting married on August 10th, 2008. Its coming up, very fun and exciting. I am so happy for the both of them. I love my rolie polie colie!!

thoughts from that day!!

2008-07-13T21:29:00.001-07:00

This is a blog I had written that I posted on myspace....
~~~~~~~~~~~
February 23, 2008 - Saturday
Thoughts from one day in my life Current mood: gloomy Category: Life
Thoughts from one day in my life

As I woke up this morning, all I can think about is my Saturday 17 years ago. My morning started out like a typical Saturday morning when you're on vacation. Not wanting to do all the things that parents have planned for you, you know typical teenage attitude. Little did I know when I woke up that I would be spending my last few hours with my mom? I just went about my day, listening to my music, writing my friends and in my journal. I was wrapped up in a blanket mad knowing that I was not going to go home with a tan, after all isn't it suppose to be warm in Mexico? I was told that I need to get ready to go on a family outing...oh fun!!! Don't parents know that my music is more important than going to a stinky town and spend way too much on stupid little things that we will probably loose before the weekend is up? Fine, I will go, since I AM being made to go. I gather my things go downstairs, inquire why mother is not going; I guess she is not feeling good. Why couldn't I have had a headache I would have been able to stay home too? Oh well, grab my camera, music and journal and hop in the van. Well we finally leave for the museum since father took so much time making us sit in the van! Seems like we are at the museum forever, but we finally leave. Now if that was not just the greatest part of my weekend, we go see a stupid beached whale. Why on earth would you??? Well make the most of it; at least I got to drive. Yeah what 16 yr old would not want to drive a mini van with father, and the younger ones in it? Yup that will attract the cute boys that are oh so important at that time in a young girl's life. Yippee we are finally done hanging around this stinky whale, now that we have been gone for a few hours. WTH, why is he acting like he has no idea where to go, forget it, he is just an adult what does he know. I am a teenage driver I know the way back, geez don't listen to him. No problem, I am driving so I will get up back in no time. Again WTH, there is the house now WHY are you telling me to keep driving; I want to turn here to go to the house....whatever! I keep driving, wow there is actually someone else on this road, a little black truck. That is really weird; I just got the strangest feeling come over me. I look over at him, without me even saying anything I am being told "don't worry, everything will be ok" OOOKKK that is a little out of left field was the only thing that came to my mind. Screw it; I am turning this van around. Pulling into the house the two little ones are very excited to tell mother about their time at the museum and the beached whale. The young boy ran into the room where mother was sleeping, jumped up on the bed. Right behind him was the young sister, not as excited, but wanting to see mother too and just get love. Only to find our mother was lying there and not the way that we left her. Images that will haunt them for the rest of their lives are all they saw. I turned saw my young sister staring at me, white as a ghost. Trying to tell me that our mother was not breathing, please go check on her. I go into the room, only to be stopped by father, him asking me if mother is breathing. He did not want me to go into the room, what is he hiding, I did, and I too will be haunted by what I saw. Why would any father bring his children back to this, innocent children not deserving to have this happen in their lives? I tell father that I know where the ambulance building is, since we had no phone or power. We better hurry, why is he taking forever, lets go. We get outside finally, what!? Why does he want to pray, we don't have time for this. She is on the bed, we still may be able to help her, what are you thinking. Finally, we are on our way, drive faster dang it, urrgg. What is your problem, why do you act so stupid at such a time like this? He gets out, tells them what is wrong; in a language that I don't fully understand. They are behind us; again he is driving slowly, why they have their sirens on, that means we should be able to go faster than this. Finally! We are her to help you mother, what I can't go in, I have to stay out here with the younger ones. Again what are you hiding, not wanting me to go inside, speaking behind my back, thinking that I can not hear or understand? He must think I am stupid, I am onto something here. Oh great, others are coming out of theirs house, why are they so noisy? I am fine out here; I don't want to come in. Ok; it is a bit cold out here. Oh your husband is a doctor, sure go help. Oh they are putting mother in the ambulance, why isn't he going with her? I guess he is driving us. This is the weirdest looking hospital, very small, not very clean. I can see where they have her at, oh more images! What is that strange voice that I hear? I look around, I see no one, but who is talking? Why is my mother telling me it is up to me, to do what is needed and take care of the younger ones? I am not old enough for this, yes mother as you wish. They could have at least cleaned themselves up before they come out and talk to him. I knew, the look on his face is not one I will forget. I never told her goodbye, never told her I love her. Will she know, how will I make sure that she does? Oh, it is too late to tell her now. Why, why now, why her, she is so great, she has so many things left to do. They are too young to be without a mother. I have lived my life without parents, I am fine, but them. Look at them, young innocence, not even knowing what is going on. Why hasn't he told them, he took them aside one by one? More things to haunt their lives, little do they know this is only the beginning. The rest of our lives have been changed because of fathers' choices. Why, he could have chosen a different way, I will never know? Will anyone, I guess only god knows. I had to live with the monster for another year. Who are these people and why are they going thru everything, my house is being torn apart; they finally took him and caged him. During that time, it was hell; being fed lies is no way to live. I have been torn between family and friends. The year after seemed to be even worse, who are these people who think that they live here? Why all the parties, this is very rude. I go visit, but it is not somewhere a beautiful young girl should be. I should be in school, instead of hanging out downtown, with people who don't want me around. Wow the year goes by, and he will never be un-caged! I spend the next few years trying to get over things. Oh what, I don't remember that, oh my, that is not what I was being told. Yes sir I swear, that is how I remember it. What again, why do I open these things. Well, here we go again, but this time things will be different. I have to listen to what mother said, it is up to me- finally!

Now I sit here 17 years later and think, why, why didn't the monster make different choices? If he had, where would I be, what would I have done? I would not be in this much pain, still. I would have mother here with me, helping my through my trials in life. So many things have happened in our lives that mother should have been with us.

Things I took for granted, I thought that I would have more time. If I could only have one more day, a day to tell you those things I did not. To share more dreams with you as we had the day before. To finish planning the trip that we were going to take together. I will just have to wait to see her again, as I will be with her again. Until that time, I will just have to live my life so that I can make that happen.

@~~~~Love you mom, thank you for teaching me all that you have in the short time that we had with each other. The younger ones miss you and love you too, please give them the strength to start healing.

2008-05-07T00:57:00.002-07:00

Ok, so have some patience with me while I try to figure this out. Not that i don't have anything else to do...

In the mean time email me if you want willoughbymarsha@yahoo.com I am also willing to take suggestions on how to make this all work and look cute....HELP!

Ryan & Vanessa Hibbard

2008-05-05T15:17:00.004-07:00

I have had the wonderful opportunity of watching a relationship grow into deep love. I will forever be changed by that.

The whole family are very wonderful people.

(hum funny thing, I just found this in my drafts...I am a dork. I remember starting it, could not figure out what had happened to it...)